Triangle Theory of Happiness
Triangle Stone Window - Alex Woods
When I was in my twenties, I was in awe of my big sister’s best friend. She was confident, sassy, bright and simply super cool. During a lunch that turned into a boozy red wine session (she was a wine buff too) she told me that she suffered from depression.
Later that same night, sitting in the best spot in the pub (advantage of having been there all day) in cocooning leather armchairs, swirling wine in fish bowl glasses, together we came up with the Triangle Theory. OK, it was probably mainly her, but I lit her cigarettes and poured the wine to enable her to do so…
I’ve used this theory throughout my life, adjusting and adding to it and relying on it to bring me a sense of calm during hard times.
So.. It goes like this:
The 3 points of the triangle represent the 3 key elements that make you happy or those that you believe, would make you happy, were you to obtain them. The one at the top holds the most weighting on your state of mind with the other 2, supporting and balancing your overall happiness.
Your triangle changes over time. Over years, perhaps just the positioning changes but over decades, the factors themselves will change as your life progresses. As we achieve our goals, we take them for granted and they stop becoming factors that influence our happiness. Until of course, we loose them, that is! My triangle in my 30’s looked something like the yellow one and the blue one reflects my triangle today.
It is important to be really honest about the 3 factors that you believe will, or do drive your happiness, regardless of how selfish, serious or superficial they appear. In my 30’s, I believed that if I had a boyfriend, I would be truly happy. Of course, I later discovered that this wasn’t the case, but at the time it was my key driver. On my mission to find my prince, I kissed a lot of frogs, experiencing more lows than highs in the process and learning a far more valuable lesson along the way; to love myself!
When you have all 3 elements or a very strong 2, you are likely to be feeling VERY good. Enjoy!
When you are down to 1, even if that is your most valued factor, you are likely to feel pretty rubbish.
Today my third point is work in progress. It might be a spin off from ‘Family/Friends’, but I’ve a feeling it might be my ‘Health’ ( something I’ve previously taken for granted). I’m in a transition stage and until I’ve pinpointed what that factor is, I’m not going to work on chasing or nurturing it.
If you are miserable but have all 3 points on your triangle, the chances are, they are not accurate or you’ve mis judged what actually makes you happy. Or by drilling into the detail of each point, you might expose areas that you aren’t actually satisfying. This might explain why you don’t feel happy. The box is right but maybe you aren’t ticking it?
Your job might be a point on your triangle. But what is it about a job that makes you happy? Is there something you can change or introduce that will enhance it? Are you in the right role, to achieve your happiness goal?
When a point on your triangle is threatened, your self confidence takes a knock.
It can become a vicious circle that needs punctured by the sharp points of a positive triangle. But how do you fight back and re-build the 3 points, when you’ve been floored by something that has rocked your self esteem?
I realised that when I was down to 2 points or less in my triangle, the thoughts that swept in consisted around the same 4 themes. You might relate to some of these or be able to identify your own demons.
Mother’s guilt - Feelings of inadequacy as a mother and not doing enough for my children
Lack of belief in myself and my abilities
Being consumed by a friendship issue or a feeling of a lack of friends
Feeling old, fat and unattractive
Conversely, when I was feeling ‘up’ I noticed that those topics didn’t even register. So, with a 3 strong triangle, I forced myself to think about those 4 themes. My feelings on them were as follows:
I think I’m a really good Mum. My kids are happy and I’m getting it mostly right
I’m proud of everything I’ve achieved. I think I’m excellent at what I do
I’m grateful for the small group of beautiful friends I have. (I make a note to catch up with them)
Yup! My crow’s feet are deepening and my waist thickening but I’m making the most of what I have. (I quickly remind myself to buy more hair dye and that miracle primer I read about)
Ten tips to help you get back on top
When you feel low, whether triggered by bad news or simply by being fed up trying to achieve your triangle goals, test out my top ten fight back list .
The negative waves that crash in on us when we are feeling down are fake. Next time these thoughts (whatever yours are) rush in, remind yourself of your take on those subjects, when you are feeling at the top of your game.
Exercise: Whether that is walking the dog or pumping iron at the gym, the endorphins released during exercise reduce your perception of pain and trigger a positive feeling in the body. I come up with some of my best ideas during ‘savasana’ at the end of yoga. Even though, as the sanskrit name suggests, you are meant to let go and clear your mind. I tend to fill mine up with a positive action plan. I believe it’s all about doing what works for you.
Talk: Vocalising acknowledges a worry or an issue and prevents you from internalising and heightening it.
Book in a blow dry, a manicure, a massage or something that makes you feel good. It’s usually the last thing you feel like doing but it engages you to do something positive for yourself.
Put on your favourite outfit that you know you look good in. Don’t save your best things. What are you actually saving them for? Wear them! And if they wear out? It is an opportunity to replace them.
Go Shopping and buy something new to wear. It doesn’t have to be expensive. High Street shops do great value, good quality pieces. If you are unsure of what suits you or hate shopping, book a personal stylist. A stylist will not only show you what to wear to suit your body shape and where to buy it, but also build your self confidence and bring the fun back into shopping and dressing each day. If you look good, you feel good.
Nourish and rejoice in the things you have that aren’t necessarily on your triangle. For example your health or home. Think of ways you can enjoy these things.
Enjoy the points on your triangle that you do have. For me, that is planning a date night with my husband or taking my girls on a shopping trip. (often we don’t buy anything, just do try ons and catwalk looks in the change rooms)
Set yourself goals with the aim of getting your triangle back to at least 2 points. You may have to adjust what the factors are, or change them completely, especially if they are irreplaceable. Actively seeking out new paths and challenging yourself will give you a buzz and open up new possibilities that maybe you hadn’t considered. A bit like me trying to find someone to love and learning to love myself instead.
Hold your head high, acknowledge people and smile. Along with exercise, smiling is a natural mood boost.
Those that don’t smile back? Well, that’s their loss!
The lows will fade. Enjoy the highs!!